Missing the bullet

Sidewalk sale. That's Wal-Mart-ese for "it wouldn't sell inside with a clearance sign over it, and now we're weeks beyond the point which it was supposed to be out of the store, so we're putting it outside, in case this new marketing approach might somehow make someone look at it."

OK, four carts with four shelves each of junk just isn't going very fast. A bunch of picture frames. IPod covers, winter blankets and throws... Better yet, on a busy Sunday, we have to keep a cashier outside to check out anything that someone wants to sell and monitor the stuff. Read that -- keep people from walking off with an entire shelving unit. God knows, they would want the shelving -- not what's on it.

I did sidewalk sale last year. After I told them that working outside in Arizona sun was hazardous duty, they didn't drag me in. Instead, they brought me water, sunscreen and a really dippy woman's hat. Actually, I probably sold more plasticware than anyone in Wal-Mart history. I figured as soon as it was gone, I could come in. I decorated the pile with a summer display. The stuff was blowing out of there -- then they found more pallets.

I shouldn't be here today. Wal-Mart doesn't want another sick cashier today, but they don't want another call-in, either. So here I am, waiting for the customer service manager, waiting for a station assignment. Usually I'm begging for a good register (odd numbers 5-13 are gold if you want the day to pass quickly), but today, I'm thinking, stash me at self-check and let me go to sleep. Under no circumstances send me outside.

"15." Not a please or a question. Is the CSM having the kind of day I am? 15 is the tobacco aisle, but it's also a no-limit lane, so it's bound to stay busy all the time. Three more times back for assignments, three more chances at the bullet. Not once did I get threatened with sidewalk sale. Maybe I do look as bad as I feel.

"What's the date on that can?" a customer asks when I pull his chaw.

"2-19"

"Don't you have any newer than that? Look in one of those stacks over there. There should be some with 2-26."

I'm thinking, you must be kidding. I'm going to open another 10-pack of Cope, just to find you cans with a better production date. Isn't there something to be said for aging? More importantly, why aren't our cashiers opening them in the right order? He shouldn't have gotten 2-26 last week if there are 2-19 cans on the shelf. But a CSM passes by just then, and he appeals his case to her, so she opens the 10-pack. Fresher chewing tobacco -- more potent to give you mouth and throat cancer?