Ghost in the Machine

Well, the good thing is, they've stopped sending me to departments unknown. No, no one paid attention to my complaints or got a clue. The real reason? The "scorecard."

The scorecard is the computer in Bentonville trying to determine what stores thousands of miles away are doing wrong. How many cashiers? What registers? What time? How fast did they run from the timeclock to the front (hmm -- why isn't there a timeclock in front for cashiers)? A perfect score is 100. Our store wasn't perfect, but now, pleasing the Bentonville data cruncher is the most important goal. No matter what.

No matter that no one is using any of the four self-check registers and there are lines six deep on the most popular cashier-staffed registers. Bentonville says keep the fast lanes operating from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m. No matter than the express lane cashiers are twiddling their thumbs -- we will have great customer service if we have the "correct" number of those lanes open. The daily staffing chart tells exactly how many of each kind of register should be open, every hour. Even if we don't have that many cashiers -- we solve that problem by pulling people from the rest of the building.

Ingenious managers solve the issue by having pseudo-cashiers sign onto registers but leave the lights off. Computer thinks register is staffed -- higher score. Sign on, then go cover the door. Sign on, then run these items back to the correct department. Sign on, then help the guest to the car with her three carts. Sign on, then go. Eventually, the register logs this inactive person off, unless the neighboring cashier is enlisted to go tap a few keys on the empty station and keep the ghost operator active. It's a numbers game, and by the numbers, the store has an "A" this week.