One more month down

February 1. I'm finally writing 2007 more than I'm writing 2006. Another month at Wally World.

I have a dream. Instead of schools teaching kids how to diagram sentences or the electron structure of boron, both of which I learned and never, ever had to use again (outside of teaching my high-schooler the same information he will never use), schools need to start teaching consumer survival. There is no final exam -- you have to either learn the lessons now or learn them the hard way in life.

Week 1: If you can't afford it, don't buy it. Credit cards aren't free money. If the card is declined because you didn't pay your bill, you didn't learn the rest of this lesson -- don't take it out on store personnel. And please don't ask to apply for a Wal-Mart credit card at the register at that point.

Weeks 2-3: If you are on food stamps, you are failing consumer survival. In this country, responsible citizens work, pay our bills, eat and repeat the process. It's your civic and moral responsibility to try to get off welfare. If you are getting government subsidies, don't waste them. Class debate: I suggest that states go back to coupon booklets and kill the cute credit cards. People should be somewhat embarrassed to use welfare. And they should only pay for staple food, like WIC checks do. Soda, candy, chips and snack cakes are garbage foods that schools have now banned -- why should our government allow poverty-stricken families to buy that for their kids? Meat, vegetables, fruit, milk, bread, tortillas, flour, cheese, juice and the like are the foods these kids need. And every adult who is getting welfare should be taken into a grocery store for Shopping 101. You can price match. You can buy good values. You can buy cheaper cuts than ribeyes and buy larger quantities of other meats, if you are in survival mode. If you can afford ribeyes, you don't need welfare.

Week 4: Job interview skills. What to wear and what not to wear. What to say and what not to say. How to take out nose rings and various piercings. How to fit in socially in Middle America. Basically, there's your time and company time, and only one of those is giving you a paycheck.

Week 5: Individual survival. You can live without a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, parents, babies. Life happens. Great lesson for the siamese-twin high-school couples, and one to file away for later, when people leave and spouses die. At some point in your life, maybe lots of your life, you will be alone. Deal with it.

Week 6: Look for the bargains. It's worth it. There is no crime in shopping on clearance racks, bargain stores, thrift stores. Take care of what you buy. And use it until you've used it up. I walk by the $3-5 per pair underwear racks every day. My 88 cent cheapies are fine -- and they do come in black. My husband thinks I'm sexy because of how I act and feel, not because I'm wearing $5 per pair thongs. It's perfectly OK to buy day-old bread, sale items and generic brands.

Week 7: Remember Lesson 6? Now that you having savings, you don't have to panic when the water heater breaks, when your kid has to go to the doctor, or when you and your husband want a weekend away. You have savings and you don't have to scream at Wal-Mart associates when layaway is gone and you don't know how you're going to pay for Christmas.

Week 8: Almost there now. Lots of forms. Tax forms, checkbook registers, loans, insurance... Yes, you can follow directions, meet deadlines and take care of yourself and your family.

Week 9: Review for mid-semester exam. Written essay on the meaning of the term "work ethic."

Weeks 10-18: Field trips, guest speakers and simulations on consumer responsible living.

How can parents turn loose kids into this world who don't have a clue what they will face? Maybe parents should have a final exam before they can conceive!