U-Scan? Do you really want to work here?

Call it "FAST LANE," "U-SCAN" or "SELF-CHECK," it's all the same to me. One of the worst duties a cashier can draw.

Look at it this way: Typically, 95% of the interactions a cashier has with a guest are positive. We scan, bag and sometimes stash their items back in the cart. We're friendly to them and we either entertain or ignore their children. We use the hand scanner to prevent them from lifting heavy items, or we lift them ourselves. We call for carryouts. We can type in quantities at one time, and even price match. We can add minutes to their phone cards, activate phone and gift cards, and allow them to pay their Wal-Mart credit card bills. It's a pleasant time.

Now, there's self-check. Flip the statistic. 95% of the time that a cashier has to get involved, it's not positive. The machines can't see if a guest is old enough to buy an R-rated movie or Super Glue. It doesn't know if security items are deactivated. It doesn't make produce purchases simple. It only has two small bagging stations, as compared to six on a typical cashier station. And some days, they are just really tired personal computers in disguise. So, for a cashier, it's "chase the red lights." Scan personal bar code, fix problem. Try not to infuriate too many customers in the process.

With all of the problems those machines can create, wouldn't thinking guests choose a regular checkout? Oops, I put the word "thinking" with guest.

Can self-check see a person's age. Nope. Cashier intervention with alcohol and any restricted material (certain auto chemicals, Super Glue, R-rated movies and mature video games, spray paint, etc.).

Can self-check do phone card or gift card or cell phone activations? Nope.

Can self-check handle a check for payment? Nope.

Can self-check handle WIC (the commodities program for women, infants and children?)? Nope.

Can self-check split payments between you and your roommates' debit cards. Nope.

See the pattern? Unless you have a few, very normal food or general merchandise items, and you want to pay with one form of payment -- cash, credit or debit card, please stand in a real line. If you screw it up, expect to stand there a while. We've begged management for signs (not to give the guests ala "Here's Your Sign") but signs that say "20 or less items, no phone cards, checks, gift cards, fabric, ..." But we still have the guests who think this is a good place to bring two carts of groceries.

"Last week, the cashier helped us through our whole order."

What I wanted to say: "Last week, it was probably 10:30 p.m. and the cashier was probably bored out of her/his mind. I have to watch four self-check stations, and I can't be your personal cashier. Go to a regular checkout."

What I really said: "I'm sorry, this is 'self-check.' I will help you if you have problem, but that's why it's called self-check."

30 seconds later, a red light. Customer has hit "Help Requested" button.

Sometimes it's one customer working in tandem with another customer. You distract cashier, I will rip something off. Other times, it's just stupidity. I can, and I will suspend transactions when a guest keeps asking for assistance. "Here. I'm going to take the bags you've filled and the rest of your purchases to register 5, and let (insert lucky cashier's name here) finish your order and give you personal assistance.

The worst ones are our own staff, who bypass the four self-check stations, walk to your assistance terminal and demand "ring me up." I'm sorry, I am watching four stations. Unless we're four deep and you're on your 15-minute break and you ask real nice, I'm not your personal servant. One cashier tried this on me -- I walked her items over to the nearest self-check station and proceeded to scan and bag them there. "Do you need any help with the payment?" I asked, and walked off to help someone else.