I don't care how much it costs -- where is the UPC?

Perhaps my teenage son doesn't realize this, but not too many years ago, cashiers actually had to type in prices and do math in their heads to make change. Every item had a price sticker on it and instead of scanning UPC's, cashiers typed in the prices. Department staff did price changes by removing these little labels (with label pullers or heat-emitting devices), not like today's managers, who can go into the computer and with a couple of keystrokes, discount an item or even an entire line (Christmas merchandise 75% off!).

That's what makes it so interesting when a guest brings an item to the checkout with no UPC. "Um, ma'am, there's no UPC on this"

"Huh?"

"There is no UPC -- you know, the bar code that we scan. Did you happen to notice what the price was?"

Here's the point that will determine how long this operation will take. Three options: FASTEST) The guest knows the price and it seems reasonable. SLOWER) The guest knows exactly where the item is and that we need one with a UPC attached. BETTER FIND ANOTHER CHECKOUT) The guest is clueless about the price or is trying to pull a fast one.

Take, for instance, the 1 liter bottle of refrigerated Evian water of which the guest already had slammed half. Eating or drinking food in the store, by the way, is not a crime. Leaving it in the store half-eaten is, however, a one-way trip to the booking station if you are caught. So is leaving the store without paying for it. However, this guest handed it to me to scan.

"It was in the back of the store in the cooler."

Her boyfriend piped up, "I could run and get another one."

While her boyfriend runs (a slow stroll, actually) for another one, the customer lets me know exactly how Wal-Mart retails. "They put coolers back there just so you are tired and thirsty when you've shopped that far through the store." Actually, ma'am, there are coolers all over the store, because people aren't so much thirsty as they are impulsive. And impulse merchandise is a huge part of what Wal-Mart and every other retailer sells.

I've finished checking all of the woman's merchandise when boyfriend comes back with another identical bottle of Evian. Identical to the missing bar code. Heavy sigh. "I know," boyfriend says. "None of them have bar codes on them. But the cooler said 'Evian water, $1.40'." That I can deal with. It's a price, a reasonable price, and I can department price it and move on.

Now, when a guest, or my customer service manager brings back a second one, usually with a UPC, it's hilarious when the guest suddenly wants the one with the UPC. The UPC meant nothing to them before, now it's critical. "If it's OK with you, can I have that one?" Sir, do you think I'm totally stupid? I'm going to give you this one and then put the one without a UPC back on the shelf so some other cashier can go through this dance again? Sorry. No.

Finally, there's the guest that actually tore off the UPC by design, in order to rip us off. "No UPC?" I'm sure it said it was $1.50. Sure. Notice how many Wal-Mart items end in zeroes. This No Boundaries top is new merchandise. Not a clearance item that's been in the store since last May. Or there was the customer who brought me clothing whose tags "just came off" when she was trying them on. But the cashier wins again. Most clothing sold in our store have UPC numbers printed on the clothing labels themselves. Type in numbers, and the actual item and price appear. Amazing how she didn't want most of that clothing at the real price.